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On Anger

October 31, 2010

Wow, almost two months since I last posted?!? I knew it had been a little while, but not quite that long. Honestly, I really just didn’t feel compelled to post and didn’t want to struggle to come up with something. My heart just wasn’t in it… I just waited until I felt drawn back to it. And wouldn’t ya know, here I am again.

I recently reunited with several people that I went to junior high school with and hadn’t seen in over ten years. One of the first questions I was asked was “are you still the same angry person you were in junior high school?” and although I was a little shocked at the direct question, I thought about it and realized that yes, I am still that same angry person. Of course, now my anger rears its head in a totally different way. But I have to admit that it’s still there. The question set into motion my own reliving of my college years, then high school, junior high, and onto elementary school. In reliving each of those times in my life, I realized that I have been angry for as long as I can remember. Now, to say that you might categorize me as an “angry” person is probably not totally true. So while I don’t necessarily identify myself as an angry person, I do feel like a lot of my actions and thoughts are guided by anger. Especially looking back upon some of the things I have done, I can clearly see how anger and insecurity have dictated my general behavior. And I don’t like it. I don’t want to be so angry. I want to have ease and happiness in my life, not anger and violence and everything that goes along with it. So my mantra over the past several days has been “I will not be angry.” I will not be angry.

I’ve also become very concerned with where all of this anger is coming from. So many many questions have come up because of the initial question at the reunion. Where is this coming from? Does it matter? Why do I feel so drawn to figure out the source of this anger? And let me just say that I have tried and am still trying to just move forward, as I’m not sure that the source of the anger matters in the least. But it’s really hard to do. I have this innate desire to *know* why I am so angry. Maybe if I could just figure out the why of it, I could just recognize it and move on. Or maybe not. But damnit, I still want to know where it’s coming from. And why I have been angry since such a young age. In reliving all of the phases of my life, I expected to be able to identify a time in which I wasn’t angry. And I could not find one. The absence of that non-anger was very jarring for me. I mean, sure I’ve had great days and great times with great people. But overall, I have been angry. And in so many more ways than I realized. But just because I have *been* angry doesn’t mean that I have to *be* angry.

And if you’re wondering what this has to do with yoga…..well I don’t quite know. Except that everything that we do with intention is yoga. So from now on, I am going to do things with the intention of not being angry. I will not be angry will be my mantra for a long long time I think. Which makes sense, given that I have been angry for so long it will take me a while to be un-angry. Which is OK. I have already gotten several reminders from my wonderful husband that I have decided not to be angry. Way more than I thought I would need. But hey, the first step is recognizing that something is going on, right?

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.”
~Benjamin Franklin

2 Comments leave one →
  1. November 2, 2010 5:41 PM

    I have alot of anger too, almost all of it coming in the last 1.5 years. I am not ready to let go of mine yet, but maybe I’ll just follow you letting go of yours for the time being?

  2. November 4, 2010 9:45 AM

    This is such a powerful post. It’s really good to reflect and that is what helps us grow. 🙂

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